honk if you're flawed

I HAVE NEVER MARKETED MYSELF OTHERWISE.
I can’t make or keep anyone happy. Even my cat glares in disappointment and disgust at me. UGH. F. F. F. FFFFFFFFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAAAA

That is all. I guess.

Weeeeeeeeeeelp.
I feel like we’ve managed to break a record, or at least be comparable to the previously established record.
And oh my god. As I write this pathetic post, in all its saturation of self pity and bullshit, Angeles by sir Elliott Smith is playing at the bar that’s adjacent to my patio, Spork. Lol. I am such a fucking tool sometimes.
But, back to the breaking of records.
Within 6 days of FINALLY letting my guard down and accepting chris’s marriage proposal and symbolizing it’s new-found-ation in the reality of tangible things with an heirloom on my finger, I have decided to put off the idea of a wedding again, and the ring now resides in a small box next to chris’s pillow full of other useless items.
He won’t ever make me feel as secure and beloved as I need to feel, to oversimplify the decision.
He is able to watch the doubt and insecurity thaf he casts on my life effortlessly…. and then blame me for any and all of my insecurities and resentment on me, of course… as usual. He makes me feel ashamed of all my insecurities. He is not a good person, in that way, and I continue to pray to the universe daily that either he does get forced to accept his heaps of fault in all of this, or that it takes me away from him, finally.

God dammit. Humans are inherently flawed. And really when it comes down to it, it’s these flaws that ultimately make us beautiful and unique. Our individual vulnerabilities help paint our image. They provide us with character.
So why cant I get over this big fat flaw in chris? Why cant I accept this and move on? I think it has a lot to do with his blatant disrespect of me when he didnt even shoo the harlet away when she attempted to provoke him again, fully aware of my returned presence in his life. He LET her do that to me. And he’s never done a single thing to make me feel secure. In fact, his painfully obvious addiction to all things sexual and feminine makes me feel so trapped in such a clearly disfunctional relationship with such heavy unresolved betrayals that some days I get so overwhelmed that I literally only want one of two things to happen to me: I either want to relapse, just so I can go back to living with and ignoring this huge thorn in my heart and in my sense of security and confidence in myself, physically especially, or I want to literally kill myself. I think I got thru the first year (more or less) of our rekindled relationship by dulling and muffling the excrutiating pain thats accompanied his betrayal with heroin. Now that I’m sober again, I find the unresolved, overlooked, intentionally neglected (on his part) indescretion to be stifling and suffocating me.
I dont even know who he is sometimes… and we grew up together, in love. Allegedly, I guess.
And he never wants to talk about it or deal with it, and I dont think thats because of his shame. I dont think hes even remotely ashamed of himself… for having an affair with a married woman, or for making me live with that on my chest indefinitely, clearly capable of seeing my crippling insecurities and misery and confusion.
I guess thats whats hurt me the most. Not even the fact that I now understandably question his respect of committment, but the fact that he lives with me day in and day out, watching me writhe in pain, constantly drinking myself into a stupor in a pathetic attempt to drown my insecurities for a moment longer, and isnt affected by it. In fact, its become all my fault that his indescretion is fucking with my head, as most discrepancies within our relationship become.
I dont think id know what to do with myself if I knowingly caused so much pain in my partner, and I had to watch them destroy themselves via the various avenues of abusable substances in some attempt to temporarily quell their pain that id inflicted. He just watches me disappear more and more every day. He doesnt seem to care.

I wish I could get over the fact that chris fucked a fat married cunt while we were broken up. Its fucked with my head consistently since day one of our reconnection, and not once has he spoken to me about it or attempted to resolve my ongoing insecurities concerning the transgression without my prompting. He genuinely doesnt seem to give a flying fuck about the enormous weight of that one source of my dizzying insecurity. Of course, I wonder about the merit or validity of marriage now in his eyes. If that marriage wasnt worthy of respect, why should I believe our now impending “tying of the knot” would hold any more value than hers did to him? He knew she was married and fucked her anyways. And not only that, but he clearly gave the disgusting succubus reason to believe that it could and would happen again. In fact, he had to have induced so much confidence from her that he didnt give a fuck about the importance of choosing to commit to someone, that even after he and I made not only the rebirth of our relationship known, but our ENGAGEMENT known as well, that she approached him again, knowing full well that he qas engaged. He says he didnt give her any reason to believe that their transgressions were anything more than a mistake of epic proportions, but I’m constantly left wondering if I hadnt been the one to accidentally stumble upon her second proposition, would he have even said no? Or would he have secretly and sleezily slinked back into the vast void-like chasm between her permanently gaping legs she refers to as her vagina? His consistent lack of concern for my feelings surrounding the whole fucked up situation, his hesitancy in even dealing with her ongoing propositions, and his violent opposition to even discussing the situation, have pushed me further and further down the dangerous path of paranoia and jealousy that so many lovers warily tread, well intentioned in the beginning, but by the end, becoming so consumed by uncertainty and unchecked or neglected (by the guilty counterpart) insecurity, that the relationship that theyd so passionately tried to protect becomes the ultimate victim. Trust is such a loaded word…. and a relationship lacking every tedious dimension of trust stands no chance. I feel like I’ve lost myself to these insecurities. Granted, when all of this was first brought to light, I couldnt even stand to look chris in the eyes. It was nauseating to me. I was overwhelmed with disappointment and disgust. And while I can now manage to look at him without my stomach turning over, I still find myself hitting barriers frequently when it comes to offering up my vulnerabilities via sex. Its such an enormous turn off that even recently, we’ve only been having sex once or twice a week, when typically we’ve always had at least once or twice a fucking day. And my appetite hasnt shrunken at all. And that even worries me. What if I let this issue drive me so far into my own thoughts about chris that I look elsewhere for the quenching of my sexual needs? I dont think I would at this point in my life, but who the fuck knows anymore? I also would have never ever ever ever ever EVER thought that chris, of all people, would behave in such an offensive way, especially after being the victim of cuckolding. And now im just lost in my own insecurities instead of appreciating how fucking blessed we are. Not only did we find essentially our soulmate or seemingly natural counterpart in one another, but we also were given a second chance, and have the kind of relationship that every person dreams of. We have had numerous strangers approach us to tell us how lucky we are, apparently somehow sensing our ongoing passion (for lack of a less cliche description) by simply observing our demeanor and dynamic. But… I just cant stop my insecurities from festering, and he approaches my insecurities with the old “sweep it under the rug and don’t talk about it… out of sight, out of mind…” mentality. And it just makes it infinitely worse than had we sat down with no distractions and sorted it out. I just dont think I can move on alone, and its taking a hefty toll on our relationship. He shames me for feeling jealousy about something so heinous that he did. Its somehow my fault that I cannot just let it go without us working together to resolve it. I wish he showed the same protective jealousy towards me sometimes. It reminds a person that theyre wanted. I just seem to be the only one who wants the other most of the time. He just seems to go thru the motions of loving me… but I just dont feel it, sometimes. Or lots of times, I guess. Was she wearing her ring when she got fucked by my counterpart? Or did she have that decency to take it off? Did he even notice the symbol of her commitment on her finger when he was fucking the married bitch? Honestly? Fuck them both. I feel like I deserve a hall pass because of it. See how he feels when I shit on someone elses marriage, an action that inherently calls into question his approach to commitment. I suppose I could just take my hall pass without even asking. Its doubtful he would even notice a change in me. He didnt even detect my heroin dependency…. why would he detect any deviation from our relationship? And even if he did, would he care much? Fuck marriage.

Time heals nothing. Space heals nothing. Nothing heals anything. Life sucks and then you die.

I miss my best friend. I dont understand what I did to convince him to abandon me at such an odd time. I mean, ive been a shit friend. Like, the lousiest you could possibly ask for for years. But I dont know what prompted him to up and disappear finally. Nothing has happened recently… that im aware of at least. Ive just been assuming that he was lying awake one night or driving some long drive and reflecting on how shitty its been to stay so incredibly, unbelievably loyal to me, and support me so much, more than I or anyone (but especially me) could have ever deserved, or should have been. Either that, or a girl finally managed to wedge herself in between what I believe is one of the strongest bonds in the world and convince him to finally abandon me, either out of jealousy, which was certainly abundantly present since long before we even met, or, more importantly, because he shared even a fraction of information about how fucking awful ive been in his life, and she convinced him out of concern to let go and finally let me fall. Either way, I am lost without him. I will never experience that bond with anyone ever again. I dont want to. I couldnt live through the realization that my counterpart finally realized what a shitty contribution I make to their life and how useless of a friend I am again. Realizing that kevin isnt coming back becauae ive hurt him so bad for so long has not only made me miserable after losing him, but the profound ache that I feel from understanding how deeply I hurt him and realizing that pain ive caused him has crippled me. I miss him so much. I am just lost. For good I think this time. Hes always been my guardian. And I never gave him anything back. On a side note, ive been vomiting daily, and over the past three days, its been very bloody. I dont understand whats happening anymore.